i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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