The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
50% drunk capacity currently
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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