Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
