Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
