If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The uberlube is also flammable
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
