the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
