i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
