My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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