The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We need a shit load of segways right now
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
