Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
