You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
