I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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