Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
