youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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