The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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