my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
