My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
