His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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