our cab driver is having phone sex.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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