dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
