at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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