I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
