There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
