I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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