who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
