Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
