I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
