Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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