Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
