Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
