I'm really into asian looking animals
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
