Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
