Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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