there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
