worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
