hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
