I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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