I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
