I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
