Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Drunk is not a location!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
