There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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