I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
