another moral hangover. fuck.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
