i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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