I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
