he shaved USA in his pubs
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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