I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
