Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
