either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
