I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
