So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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