i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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