i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
