So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
