i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
