my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
